ever coming home again – and he hasn’t left her.
There’s the punch line.Want the joke?
The joke is American independence. Let me tell a story.
Mr.and Mrs. met during the war – you know, the one that would end all wars for the second time, World War two. He was in the service and she served her country doing office work. After the war they moved from the mid-west to the Columbia Gorge to build dams, aluminum plants, schools and towns. She continued to do office work.Now they are long retired, nearing 90 years old. They have been happily married all this time, and she doesn’t drive confidently because she never needed to. She doesn’t pay bills because she never needed to. She doesn’t make decisions because she never needed to. And he’s slowly dying.
I mentioned that they left their home states & families seventy years ago. They left humming the American dream, because that is what you did. And they made a home in Oregon. Their kids followed their parent’s lead, and now they live thousands of miles away too - nowhere near their parents. It’s what we do.
Money makes it all work: As long as we have money, we can afford the recreation to entertain us. As long as we have money we can afford the computers and cell phones to connect us. As long as we have money we can afford the assisted living we’ll need because our kids won’t have us (nor us them)…
As long as we have money, the God-given freedom we’d die to protect is ours to spend and enjoy.
As long as we have money. . . right?
We neglect one key factor: aging. Money won't stop aging. Uh oh...
Now he is too sick for her to care for, so he’s in a nursing home. And nursing homes differ from prisons in a few significant ways:
- You check yourself in
- Windows have nice views
- Staff is genuinely caring
- You pay the bills,
- Visitors are allowed to come right in and touch you.
Those points aside, you lose nearly all the same freedoms whether in prison or a nursing home, even if you have the money. Money won’t buy back what assisted living takes.
Now he can’t answer the phone (because there isn't one in his room) and she can’t get to him, and
neither fully understands what’s really happening. Furthermore, she can’t understand how to work a cell phone, and doesn’t understand how to keep it with her in case a doctor calls. So life is foggy and confusing... and expensive!
What’s missing? Not insurance; not healthcare, not money, not love. What’s missing is their kids: us- listening, advocating, guiding and deciding.
They taught us to set our sights high, to work hard and do what
we love! We listened, and now we’re too far away to be the family they need;
So Mr. and Mrs. need surrogate kids in their towns who will love them and take the time to play cribbage, share stories and make sense out of their care. Not just here in Oregon, but wherever Americans have lived this short-sighted and expensive dream of independence and disconnection. Your parents need surrogate kids and so do mine. It seems that we have a choice: we can either toss the dream and move home like responsible humans or we can do something entirely new and adopt one another’s parents.
Do what?
Money won’t solve this. It’s a family issue.
So, how’s the family?
-PC
BTW, I have a strong suspicion that local congregations just might be uniquely postured to adopt this role..
